Wednesday, March 25, 2015

The Dream


"Syarat Mati tidak harus Tua mahupun Sakit". It can happen in split seconds. It can be ourselves or people around us.

The dream I dreaded to have dreamt. But Allah swt wants to tell me sth from it for sure.

I woke up this morning feeling awful. I looked around for my husband. Clearly he's not in bed anymore. That got me chilled and feeling a lil more nervous than I could ever have. I walked out the room and found him sitting on the floor; lipat kain. At that point of time I feel so--relieved. MashaAllah never thought I would feel so scared of not having him around.

"Ayang mimpi Abang mati."

I burst into tears. Teresak2 bagai anak kecil. Lama. I stayed still in his arms. Feel so grateful he is still breathing, alive!

"Ayang ingat ayang kuat kalau abang takde. But that's not true." I cried even more.

In that dream, my husband, my bestfriend, my life--died. And I feel like I'm in a crazy person.

The dream was so real. I feel the pain--like there's this hole in my heart that only those who lost a loved one of death can understand. Losing them forever, you know...

He went for an expedition in the jungle and fell off the cliff. He died with the rest of the crew. (I am crying as i typed this down).

And the days goes by and none of the day I didn't think of him, didn't talk about him and reminiscing about how he said this and did that and how we promised to go to Makkah for Hajj and all.

Everything becomes so important now. Even the littlest thing.

I think I cried the whole dream. It's so heartbreaking. Tak tertanggung perasaan dia. My eyes feel sore because I cried so much. It really feels so real. And I still cry now mashaAllah.

As I sat down after solat, I make duaa. Of course all the good thing. I ponder upon the dream I just had, or yet given to me. Allah wants me to learn sth from it.

In that dream I found I made people around feel sick and annoyed as I could never moved on. I still linger with the past of wanting and wishing him to be still alive. There are always this "If only..." in my words. And I never stop crying and not seeing that others want me to be happy. I was too selfish. I was a burden.

And the one thing that I really learn from the dream is to give the best of me to those I love, everyday, everytime. Because I do not know who will be taken back Home first. It can be me or
ou. And if it happened, we can never turn back time. Period.

So seize the day, friends.

Say it, do it, make it happen. For we never know what future holds for us. Not even a slightest idea.

May Allah keep our loved ones safe and sound. And if death takes its place, may Allah shower us with strength and calmness and strong believe for the hikmah to come. Keep well and stay safe, everyone.

Lots of love from me.


Thursday, January 15, 2015

My 1st Birthing Journey


Never thought I'd put this into writing. It has been years now. Kerja Tuhan, we were talking about our each and every birthing journey in the Whatsapp group and I happened to relate mine to my lovely sahabiah. I typed it throughout on the Whatsapp btw. And I did some editing in the below version. So there are much more stories than it was in the whatsapp. ;)

The Journey...

It started on the night of the 1st September 2012. That night I coincidentally found a drop of show before I took wudhu for Maghrib. It was just a little pinkish stain but I became panicky since my eldest sister who is a sis nurse at kpj hurried us to go to hosp sbb katanya itu tanda nak bersalin. Masa tu there was no single contraction or even Braxton Hicks. And mak pun encourage ke hosp. So we went.

Sampai di Hosp Ampang, unfortunate for me there was only a non muslim male gynae who was available. With no choice I agreed to a ve. Nurse masuk pasang drip then he came in. He went in there katanya baru 3cm then dia tanya sakit tak, ada rasa contraction tak. I said no. I thought that was it tp dia masuk dlm lg and it felt even more painful. The ctg went beeping. Sambil sengih2 dia kata dia dah rasa kepala baby, and her heartbeat went up. Dia kata blh dah nak masuk labor room ni. Dari debar sikit2 terus jd banyak. Masuk toilet keluar darker show. I get more overwhelmed by then.

I changed into the labor attire and walked to the ward. Nurse kata, if I got dilated to 5cm then only I can enter the labor room. So I was sent to the ward. By then urges after urges came. Dari jarang2 sampai jd kerap. Masa tu tak sempat dinner lagi. Sakit+lapar+berdebar semua ada. Minta husband belikan dinner. He came back with mcd since it was the nearest and fastest he could fine. After 10pm suami dah tak blh stay dlm ward so he waited outside. Dia kata ada apa2 sms jek. Batt hp masa tu dah low dah.

Makin lama the urges got stronger and became regular at every minute. Tak tahan sangat plus nurse or doc tak round langsung. Hp batt dah low sesgt. Rasanya masa tu 5am kot.. so in between contractions yg kerap tu i brave myself to the counter. Sbb tak blh tidur dan sakit sangat i aske the nurse for ve to check if I have dilated enough to birth. Nurse kata dah 4-5cm and I can go into the lr. Sms suami bgtahu dah nak masuk lr. He replied. Dia kata nnt panggil la bila dh masuk.

So nurse tolak dgn wheelchair masuk labor room. Bidan n doc masuk. This time muslim female alhamdulillah. Doc did another ve. Then midwife came in dan susun segala peralatan including all the scissors and the long white stick looks like jarum gergasi yg guna to break the waterbag. Then the midwife came approaching. "Sakit sikit ye". Dia kata. "kita nak pecahkan ketuban". I was naive. Anggukkan aje.

She pulled out that long stick from its cover. "Tarik nafas ye." Then she slowly put it in. Sakit. Sbb in order to break the water bag mmg kena cari dulu kantungnya. Silap haribulan blh cedera kepala baby. So mmg seluk lagi lah.

And then the water broke. Rasa la mcm kencing yg sgt lah lamanya. It kept on coming out. The more the contractions the more the water came out. Before she left dah pesan dan tanya bila husband blh masuk minta panggilkan and she nodded. They both went and I was left all alone in pain all by myself. I read in the room somewhere that each hour normally dilation increases by 1 cm. So I counted myself the hours i have to wait until I am fully dilated. In 5-6 hours. In myind was; "Cepat la suami masuk..."

I waited and waited. No one came in. I was left laid on the labor bed with the water flowing out alone! my eyes were on the door the whole time waited if sb would come so I can ask for my husband but unfortunately no one came.

The clock strike 11am. A different nurse came in. She look at me down there and quickly called the midwife in charge. I was then fully dilated with the contractions all alone for 6 hours!!

So the active labor begun. I was begging, "tolong ye panggilkan suami saya.. tolong ye". They spoke to one of them and one left. Lega sbb thought my husband would come.

Bidan kata rapatkan dagu ke dada, both hands at both legs and breathe, only push bila bidan bg que to push. I got scolded coz I pushed the time when I should not. "Jangan teran, nnt awak penat." By seconds rasa nak teran lagi so I asked if I can push. Nurse kata push kuat2 sbb kepala baby dah keluar tinggal one big push then we are done. I pushed tp tak kuat then i was scolded again. "Push kuat sikit.. awak nak anak awak  biru ke?" She then pulled out a scissors and pap! She did it. Masa nampak gunting tu rasa mcm nak pitam dah sbb takut. I pushed as hard as I could. I was so upset bcz she didn't even say a word. 😣😭

So I pushed the third time and alhamdulillah Sofea came into the world mashaAllah. We had skin to skin moment for a while and then she was taken out for cleaning and dressing and God knows.

I had 2nd degree tears and epi. I remembered the doc told me she was going to clamp the cord. Then the midwife told me she was going to get the placenta out. It was like going through a mini short birth with a little contraction to get it out. Sakit juga la sbb kena seluk lagi kan. Kena godek2 pula to get all the blood out.

And then the cleaning of the cut and stitching began. Good thing sblm jahit tu kena bius so it was numb and painless even when I was back at the ward with the baby.

Sbb tak rasa sakit apa kita siap duduk bersila bagai. And that my stitches broke. Huhu.. bila jumpa doc, doc confirmed the stitches broke a little and if I were to redo kena buka semua and jahit balik semula all over again. Jadi mmg tak lah kan.. hehe..

Alhamdulillah I birthed my first safely though husband tak dpt masuk sbb actually no one called for him and he waited sampai he saw his own baby got out from the lr. Baby diazan di walkway ok.. huhu.. anyway syukur byk2 we both were all in good condition and she is now growing up beautifully alhamdulillah. :)

The end. 😘